Happy New Year!!

being

weary from being pushed and pulled into VARIOUS directions. hindi ko na alam saan lulugar. tired of living up to expectations that I myself do not even wish to attain ;/ tired of smiling when I really didn't want to.

wtf

have you ever wish something in your life never happened at all? something too painful that even breathing doesn't do anything good to make it any better? did you ever wish for things to be different than the way they are now? where you even grab that chance to wish upon anything even to that dead star in hopes for the betterment of things? of course the next thing to do is to start moving on and finding ways to  make that pain go away. When you've wielded things to be they are only to regret in the end, only to regret that effort  you've done to interfere with things just so you wouldn't be in agony anymore and your left wishing how you should have instead let faith get its' way, would you have yourself blame your personal feelings for that? would you feel so betrayed by your own self? or would you employ the fact that sometimes a person has to do what she has to do to survive? so which one is it? would you rather blame feelings and fuck reasons? 

faith

the book about mourning that I have sitting on my bedside table for the longest time help gave me the kick to just let out everything I've been dragging on for the week or for the month or for the year i don't know how long it's been bottling up anymore. I've been so confused about so many things that I cannot anymore take comfort from the the things, persons I used to find solace on. I have loads of questions that I just cant find the answer to. In my mind I kept playing things happen for a reason, c'est la vie and that's the only thought that's been constant on my mind; everything else is on an erratic state, cryptic and uncertain. Those things are the only ones I hold on to just for me to go through this. I feel so lost yet no one would show me the way however i strongly feel that through this the only person that could help me is me and no one else. I remember when my mom and dad took off to Singapore and I asked them to buy me speakers for my ipod yet they returned with something that is USB connected, I was so mad back then because the speaker was no use for me whatsoever but fast forward to now I know am very dependent on that speaker and who's to say that the other things on my life would turn out to be a blessing in disguise as the speaker to me is now? right? faith is what I have though a lot about me has changed and maybe there's nothing I can do about that. but I'll still be hanging on tight. not giving up.

xoxo

how can you call yourself the best when you can lie in my face? how can you expect me to trust when you've done it again? you can never fault a girl who's in love but you can always fault a person capable of deceiving... the pictures never lie girl, sadly you can. what an end to what I thought was one of the happy days.

breath just breath

Isolation

Being away from my thoughts is very comforting. Not having to worry, not having to think or over think things is a blessing indeed. Though I have committed the lie of omission today I do not regret doing so at all because it saves me all the trouble and drama of explaining things that I myself am still trying to fathom as of the moment. Everything right now for me is full of uncertainties, I do not even trust myself to make good decisions nor feel certain emotions. I'm guessing that these anxieties is coming from these needs that I realize I do. These needs that no one around me seems to fulfill but I do understand that  it's very simple yet very complex at the same time: Trust (in me), Openness (towards me), and a Chance (against prejudice, a chance to be heard and hear). All these things that I want and need comes with a baggage that I can't afford to face at the moment. It's becoming so hard, when it really shouldn't be. It's becoming so sad beyond current capacity.

questions...

Have you ever felt like you are surrounded by your friends, your family beside you yet you feel so damn alone you cannot cohere where to turn to? Have you ever felt being disappointed with yourself because you feel like you are wanting too much and feeling tad too sad yet you cannot find it in yourself to spill the beans at your friends because you're afraid you'll only get the same haywire response that you are being too difficult, too emotional? Do you feel thoroughly out of place yet you manage to live through the day looking as if nothing is wrong? have you ever felt like you wanted to disappear from the world and exist in a whole different dimension, wishing you were living a different life than you already were? have you ever stopped and gawk at yourself for sounding and acting like someone you completely do not know at all? have you ever asked a gazillion loads of question and try desperately to find the answers you were looking for? well ....have you?

i dont know if its the wind on my face softly blowing my hair
or the huge grey clouds outside my window or the fact that I'm back here in my bed
but I cant help but smile I am lost for words, confused
at what i'm feeling  at the moment. how can someone be so sad yet possess a smiling face. i dont understand