breath just breath

Isolation

Being away from my thoughts is very comforting. Not having to worry, not having to think or over think things is a blessing indeed. Though I have committed the lie of omission today I do not regret doing so at all because it saves me all the trouble and drama of explaining things that I myself am still trying to fathom as of the moment. Everything right now for me is full of uncertainties, I do not even trust myself to make good decisions nor feel certain emotions. I'm guessing that these anxieties is coming from these needs that I realize I do. These needs that no one around me seems to fulfill but I do understand that  it's very simple yet very complex at the same time: Trust (in me), Openness (towards me), and a Chance (against prejudice, a chance to be heard and hear). All these things that I want and need comes with a baggage that I can't afford to face at the moment. It's becoming so hard, when it really shouldn't be. It's becoming so sad beyond current capacity.

questions...

Have you ever felt like you are surrounded by your friends, your family beside you yet you feel so damn alone you cannot cohere where to turn to? Have you ever felt being disappointed with yourself because you feel like you are wanting too much and feeling tad too sad yet you cannot find it in yourself to spill the beans at your friends because you're afraid you'll only get the same haywire response that you are being too difficult, too emotional? Do you feel thoroughly out of place yet you manage to live through the day looking as if nothing is wrong? have you ever felt like you wanted to disappear from the world and exist in a whole different dimension, wishing you were living a different life than you already were? have you ever stopped and gawk at yourself for sounding and acting like someone you completely do not know at all? have you ever asked a gazillion loads of question and try desperately to find the answers you were looking for? well ....have you?

i dont know if its the wind on my face softly blowing my hair
or the huge grey clouds outside my window or the fact that I'm back here in my bed
but I cant help but smile I am lost for words, confused
at what i'm feeling  at the moment. how can someone be so sad yet possess a smiling face. i dont understand